Bag lady Tea-ed off by Beatrice Hatch uploaded: 25-01-2005 Beatrice Hatch wonders why no one can make a nice cuppa quite like the British "Everyone says foreigners are the same as us, but they are not, are they? They can’t make a bloody cup of tea" What do you think of those articles “Ten things I like” or “Top five sex tips”? Are they not written by gits, for losers? No, of course they are not, and that is why I am going to write one. I must explain, first, that I love tea a lot. I love it more than most things. It is even good for you, rich in antioxidants which undo the evil work of sun, fags, bad food and mobile telephones. Good, but not boring. That does not happen often. This is why drinking bad tea has jaded and deflated me. It has made me cynical. If you have ever tried to get a cup of tea abroad, you will understand what I am talking about. Everyone says foreigners are the same as us, but they are not, are they? They can’t make a bloody cup of tea, and it is not hard. Some countries grow the stuff but serve it in the most horrific way. It isn’t difficult to do, there’s a recipe for a cup of tea in the sidebar for people who might be foreign or not know how to make one. I’m not even going to be a twat and start insisting on “leaf” this or “china cup” that. It is a recipe for a cup of tea. Please memorise it and teach it to other people. In the meantime, I will share with you the six worst cups of tea I have had in my life. There is no order to the numbers. Each experience was as horrible as the next, horrible in its very own individual, cultural way. Horrible cup of tea number one: France Centre of the universe for marvellous cuisine and posh beverages like citron presse, the French are too busy sewing up quails and sniffing camembert in markets to notice how to make tea. A lot of French people think tea is some herbs like verbena in a bit of hot water. If you persist and ask for English tea, this is what you can expect. A shot glass with tepid water and a long spoon. A yellow Liptons teabag next to the shot glass in the saucer. It isn’t a wind up, they really don’t give a monkeys. Vive la Reine. Horrible cup of tea number two: China China is a diverse country with a fascinating history and amazing cuisine. No matter what their status or background, any Chinese person will be a big tea drinker. Peasants In the back of a scroaty taxi, I noticed the driver had a large jar with cloudy brown liquid wedged next to the handbrake. “That is terrible,” I said to my friend. “The poor taxi driver has to wee in a jar because he works so hard. Communism is shite, I reckon.” I did eat my words though, because actually it wasn’t a portaloo for commies, the man had made himself a hefty brew of green tea to sip at traffic lights and while he was changing lanes like a total maniac. I made one myself to take on a train. It tasted like piss. Emperors All good things come to those that wait. Unless you are at a smart tea ceremony. Green water is poured in and out of a thimble for hours and hours by a lady in a dressing gown until it is the temperature of a tepid bath. The fragrant topnotes taste like Badedas. Nasty. Horrible cup of tea number three: Morocco Even the world’s most lobotomised hod-carrier would have a problem with the sweetness of north African mint tea. It’s a mixture of green tea (see China) and mint leaves sugared to a level that gives it the texture and flavour of melted spearmint gum. Horrible cup of tea number four: America They do have proper tea. Some shops even have English brands. Their love of gadgets and convenience products, however, can make a dog’s dinner of a simple “maneuver”. Place the tea bag in a cup and cover with cold water. Put in microwave (I know, totally barking). Add cream. Fucking horrible. Horrible cup of tea number five: Mongolia Mongolians are nomadic people who like vodka. Stick to that, it is pretty nice. Tea is made with horsemilk which has fatty globules on the top and little gopping black bits. It tastes like the smell of a dirty horse, and it is terribly rude to refuse it. Horrible cup of tea number six: Tibet The Tibetans are superior to the rest of the world in many ways. However, they have managed to create similarly nasty tea to the Mongolians by making butter out of yak (the really ugly hairy cows which stink like goats) milk and then floating it on top of tea. Absolutely appalling. [New Year, New You?] More tea, vicar? The Right Way There’s only one thing for it ladies, if you must go abroad, pack a travel kettle and a packet of PG. If you can, avoid UHT milk, it just gives a slightly “wrong” flavour, although clearly preferable to camel milk or whatever godawful lactate might be on offer. “Daughters of Britannia holiday tea” It doesn’t really matter what type of tea you choose. Some people like a definite tea type like Darjeeling, or Ceylon, others are happy with a bag of Typhoo or PG Tips. Twining make bags of all posh varieties, so refined bints can sip stylish tea anywhere. WARNING! Earl Grey tastes like someone has left a little bath pearl in the cup, and Lapsang has a whiff of kipper about it. If you must drink these fancy sorts, for Christ’s sake don’t put milk in them. 1 tea bag Milk Sugar lumps A mug Place the teabag in the mug. Boil the kettle. Pour the water onto the bag the second it has boiled. Allow to brew to desired strength. Add milk,or sugar, or neither, or both.