No booze required
On the sauce: Being Teetotal
by
Marcia Moore
uploaded: 08-06-2004
Brits don't like teetotallers - but we're just having a good time too, says Marcia Moore
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"British people don’t trust anyone who
doesn’t drink. They think you’re up to something. They’re not sure quite
what, but they know that no one acts so unnaturally without a dark, hidden
agenda"
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“I’ll have an orange juice, thanks.”
“Oh, are you driving tonight?”
“Uh, no...”
“Detox week?”
“No.”
“You’re not... not... you know?”
“God, no.”
“So, what it is then?”
“I don’t drink.”
“What not at all? Not ever? Not now and then? On a big night out? At
someone’s birthday? On your birthday? At a wedding?”
“Well, not really, no.”
And then comes the sharp, insistent question: “Why?”
Because here’s the thing: British people don’t trust anyone who
doesn’t drink. They think you’re up to something. They’re not sure quite
what, but they know that no one acts so unnaturally without a dark, hidden
agenda. Islamic fundamentalist? Cult member? Blackmailer? What the hell is wrong with the person? And why are they here: if you don't drink, what on earth are you doing in a bar?
And then “Did you ever drink?” As if that might be it, that somehow I had accidentally going through a perfectly normal adolescence and messy college years without it occurring to
me to drink.
“Yes. I drank. Yes, I’ve been drunk. Yes, I’ve thrown up in the
flowerbed. Yes, I once tried to play the Withnail & I drinking game.”
“So what happened?”
And this is the bit where it’s tempting to give them the answer they want: a fatal drunk driving incident, a father who drank himself to death, a blinding moment of something. But instead, here’s the truth:
“I just started feeling bored. So I thought I'd try not drinking – but doing everything else the same. Going to pubs, going to bars, going to clubs. And I found I had more fun, and I could get through the next day without
feeling sick.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Aren’t drunk people really boring when you’re sober? When I’m doing
my January detox, I just find people in pubs really obnoxious.”
“Think that might just be because you’re a bit sulky because you’re
detoxing. Actually, a lot of people are very funny drunk. Just like a
lot of people manage to be exceedingly obnoxious sober. My friends are my friends, I like hanging out with them, and I like going to places where there are lots of people having fun.”
“So you don’t want everyone else to stop drinking?”
“Hell, no.”
Does that end the suspicion? Of course not: everyone is still sure I
have that twisted hidden agenda. And they still ask me if want a proper
drink, as if some day I’m just going to snap to my senses, or at least nurse a single cocktail over an evening just to make them feel less paranoid. But that’s OK, because I’m just having a good time.
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