Feeling chilli Bella Doner Guilty Pleasures: Kebabs by Jason Foster uploaded: 23-05-2005 Like the burger and the sausage before it, the doner kebab is a clever marketing ploy to shift animal parts otherwise unlikely to sell as 'food' on their own merits. Be this as it may, the doner makes for an exquisite post-prandial supper. There is also well-documented scientific evidence to suggest that consuming enzymes found in sheep’s ears, eyelids and genitals also mitigates the effects of alcohol, enhances sex appeal and extends life expectancy. Doner go there Here are some basic dos and don'ts: Most importantly, make sure the kebab vendor slices the 'meat' straight from the compressed lump in front of the grill. Unprincipled doner dealers often grill the pseudo-carcass and slice off a job lot for future use, which is then kept warm in metal containers. While this might reduce the electricity bill for the shop owner, it also promotes any number of varieties of food poisoning. As a further health measure, chilli oil and lemon juice contain invaluable anti-bacterial acids. These should be ladled on liberally. Most vendors are generally open to persuasion on the issue, but if they cut up rough, the correct procedure is to throw the defective kebab at the fruit machine in the corner, question the sexual mores of the shopkeeper's mother and gracefully exit with dignity intact. Epicureans of experience can execute all three actions in one fluid movement. Never eat a doner bought in Plymouth. It is the custom there to substitute the salad with coleslaw, which is an outrage in the eyes of God. Avoid reading the three day-old tabloid on the counter. This only encourages political/football-related debate from other customers, who are as a rule obnoxious, uninhibited and opinionated in equal measure, and will require a slice of chilli pepper thrust firmly in the eye before desisting. Never, ever eat a doner unless you're as pissed as buggery. Would you eat lightly-grilled offal sober? Did your mother teach you nothing? Similarly, if you're on the pull, no matter how shit-faced you are, be sure your prospective partner is at least as wrecked (a couple of shots in his pint before leaving the pub should do the trick). How would you like it if some addled tart lunged at you with a rictus grin of chilli sauce spread, Joker-style, across their fizog? In today's populist political climate, much is made of the problems of binge-drinking. Yet in the inexplicably bint-free machinations of government, little is said of its pleasures, not least that of doner kebabs. The consumer must be heard, and it is the right - nay, duty - of every self-respecting bint to get out there, get good and pissed, and support the doner economy. You know it makes sense. [Doner meat and two veg] "The doner kebab is a clever marketing ploy to shift animal parts otherwise unlikely to sell as 'food' on their own merits"