Nip and tuck
Slippery nipple

by uploaded: 08-06-2004

There are all sorts of things beauty product manufacturers try to make us feel insecure about – but should we really worry about having pink nipples?

Pink nips: are they a necessity?
In among the numerous penis enlargement medicines, anti-depressants and diet pills in cyber chemist land, I recently came across a new product invented by the Japanese. A special cream designed to fight the ravages of time… on your nipples. But this cream doesn’t lift or smooth. It rejuvenates by bleaching the nipples to a youthful, rosy pink. In a world where people dye their hair, iron their hair, curl their hair, and pierce their bits, is nipple bleaching really as weird as all that?

This cream promises to “bring the pinkness of youth back into women's nipples”. Pink nipples are unsullied, fresh, and lacking in carnal awareness. Beauty treatments are usually decorative processes far removed from virginal youth and innocence. Dyed hair implies a grasp of wanton knowledge, pierced bits a professional qualification. So does this cream exist because secretly we want to return our bodies to their pre-teen state?

Or, rather, is nipple lightening a distant cousin of the current fashion for people to head to the opposite side of their natural skin colour spectrum? There are hundreds of tanning shops on British high streets keeping pasty ladies Jordan gold, and plenty of girls in the Orient slathering themselves in skin whitening lotions and carrying umbrellas when the sun is shining. But neither is this about looking young and innocent. It is a fashion born of the desire to appear affluent. Brown Brits look like they can afford to go abroad. Pale Asians clearly don’t do manual jobs.

Hmm. So perhaps having pink nipples is something about which women obsess, but propriety stops them taking action to achieve? Unlikely, when faced with the evidence of openly available vaginal deodorants, vagioplasty (making your labia look neater), tash and gash waxing, and the fact that everyone gets their baps out on the beach. Shyness and coyness doesn’t come into it. No, nipple-bleaching cream must have been invented because the pinkness of nipples is something which men find attractive and therefore women feel duty-bound to fulfil this male fantasy.

The best way to discover if this is the case is to ask men. We found a group of nine well-travelled, debonair, men of the world, some of whom have racked up a truly astonishing number of notches on the bedpost. Between them, they have seen a good number of nipples and know, by now, exactly what they like.

They were asked to choose one of three statements about nipple colour which most closely related to their feelings. The options were:
1. I think nipple colour is very important. Only pink for me. (3)
2. Dark or light, not bothered what colour they are. (3)
3. I like dark nipples. Pink remind me of my dog. (3)

Most of the men professed to being pretty uninterested in nipple colour. Four men stressed the size and shape of the breast as being of far greater interest to them, the nipple was only the cherry on the cake, as it were. The German gentleman had a slightly different idea: “I think it's a super idea. I like my birds colour coordinated. I say, not every nipple needs lightening up, but in some cases it would go very well with the highlighted or dyed hair.”

An excellent point, well made. But not entirely in favour of the pink nipple ideal. Since nature tends to give us matching collars, cuffs, wallets and watches, the need to change one’s nipple colour is only necessary if one were deviating greatly from Nature’s colour scheme in some other bodily region. So, in the case of a blonde lady choosing to dye her hair black, for instance, some gravy browning on the aureolae might be required to please our German friend’s sense of ORDNUNG.

So, after all it appears that there is no need to worry about the colour of your nipples at all. Thank goodness for that!!!
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